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RIP Bernard Manning, I'm sure Jabba will carry on your good work !! :lol:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3867363.stm
 
craignwo4life said:
RIP Bernard Manning, I'm sure Jabba will carry on your good work !! :lol:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3867363.stm
Click to expand...

******* devastated .my mate went to watch him .big lad my mate and bernard said to him your a big lad if you say its christmas its ******* christmas :lol: :lol:
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already...
The little boy says "Dark in here."

The man says "Yes, it is."
Boy. "I have a football for sale."
Man. "That's nice."
Boy. "Want to buy it?"
Man. "No, thanks."
Boy. "My dad's outside..."
Man. "OK, how much?"
Boy. "Ã'£250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy. "Dark in here."
Man. "Yes, it is."
Boy. "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?!"
Boy. "Ã'£750"
Man. "Sold."


A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy."Ã'£1,000."
The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that again. You're in my cupboard now!"
 
Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.


A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.


My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his
patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.


Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.


Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the **** out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.


Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum
like?' Little girl replies 'Big c*cks and vodka'.


A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.


Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I
have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've
got a headache'.


Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.


Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.


Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a
dangerous mole removed from his p*nis...... he won't be shagging one of
those again!


It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5
kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!


Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.


A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy.
Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the
iceberg!


How do you kill a circus?......Go for the juggler
 
i am a bit concerned about the harry potter movies its all very believable, the wizards, flying cars, magic, dragons, trolls, flying on broomsticks, talking pictures, moving staircases, small golden balls that fly, invisible train tracks but a ginger kid with 2 mates thats taking it a bit far!!!!
 
mash said:
i am a bit concerned about the harry potter movies its all very believable, the wizards, flying cars, magic, dragons, trolls, flying on broomsticks, talking pictures, moving staircases, small golden balls that fly, invisible train tracks but a ginger kid with 2 mates thats taking it a bit far!!!!
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The guy that was the warm up act for the one man star wars show told us that joke! :lol:
 
barrymore was asked if he was doing panto this year ."no "he replied ,"i did aladdin 6 years ago and i,ve never heard the last of it!"
 
irish couple wanting to spice up there sex lives decide to try swinging.
after paddy says that was ******* amazing....wonder how the women got on :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
kylie ,robbie and elton john were all walking down street .
kylie trips and gets her head stuck in railings ,robbie pulls her pants down and quickly ***** her from behind.when he,s finished he turns to elton and says go on mate your turn.elton bursts out crying ,robbie says whats a matter with you..... elton says my head wont fit in them railings :lol: :lol:
 
mash said:
i am a bit concerned about the harry potter movies its all very believable, the wizards, flying cars, magic, dragons, trolls, flying on broomsticks, talking pictures, moving staircases, small golden balls that fly, invisible train tracks but a ginger kid with 2 mates thats taking it a bit far!!!!
Click to expand...
**** OFF MASH :)
 
guy goes in to a pet shop and asked "do u sell wasp"guy says no"lying bastard ive just seen one int window"

2 fish in a tank one say "HOW THE **** DO U DRIVE THIS THING"

whats black and screams. stevie wonder anwering the iron

**** but funny :D :D
 
polish immigrant goes to spec saversfor a eye teast.optician shows him card with lettersc z w i x n o s t a c z.can you read that ?
the pole says ..read it ?,i ****** know him
 
what women and clouds got in common

when they clear of its a beautiful day


whats diffrence betwween a kangaroo and kangaroot

kangaroo is a aussie mammal
kangaroot is what a scotish man says when he is stuck in lift
 
what do you call a paki in a microwave ?

bu-ding !

what do you say o a paki on xmas morning ?

a pint of milk and 10 **** mate !

what do you call a paki with a fire on his head ?

singe-it

what do you call a paki with a spotty forhead?

rasheead !

what do you call a paki with a piece of bacon on his spotty head ?

ham-headrasheed

what do you call a paki with 2 pieces of bacon on his spotty forhead?

more-ham-headrasheed !

whats micheal jackson and a tescos carrierbag got in common ?

both plastic and dangerous to children !

micheal & janet jackson are watching t.v, micheal says do you want to watch a dvd, janet says "which do you want", micheal says i fancy watching a disney film,...janet says how about jungle book, micheal says no i fancy aladdin........janet says "you'll only get in trouble again !"


cant think of anymore !
 
Went to see a clairvoyant last week, but she was closed due to unforseen circumstances :?





Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest, when suddenly she sees the Big bad Wolf

"My.... what big eyes you have" says Little Red Riding Hood to the Big Bad Bad Wolf


"**** OFF, I'm having a ****" :shock: says the Big Bad Wolf to Little Red Riding Hood :mrgreen:
 
kyle, robbie and elton are walking down the street when kyle trips and gets her head stuck in a fence !
robbie quickly pulls up her skirt and ***** her from behind... he pulls out and says to elton "your turn"..

elton says "i'll never get my head through that fence" :lol:
 
han duo said:
kyle, robbie and elton are walking down the street when kyle trips and gets her head stuck in a fence !
robbie quickly pulls up her skirt and ***** her from behind... he pulls out and says to elton "your turn"..

elton says "i'll never get my head through that fence" :lol:
Click to expand...


ii have told this before on here :roll:
 
jabbawokkie said:
han duo said:
kyle, robbie and elton are walking down the street when kyle trips and gets her head stuck in a fence !
robbie quickly pulls up her skirt and ***** her from behind... he pulls out and says to elton "your turn"..

elton says "i'll never get my head through that fence" :lol:
Click to expand...


ii have told this before on here :roll:
Click to expand...


yeah but it was funnier this time around :wink:
 
jabbawokkie said:
han duo said:
kyle, robbie and elton are walking down the street when kyle trips and gets her head stuck in a fence !
robbie quickly pulls up her skirt and ***** her from behind... he pulls out and says to elton "your turn"..

elton says "i'll never get my head through that fence" :lol:
Click to expand...


ii have told this before on here :roll:
Click to expand...

SO how did you get your head out of the fence????
 
two blokes in airport looking for there wives ,they say to each other they should help each other out.
bloke A "what does your wife look like"
bloke B "6 ft 2 ,slim ,blonde hair ,dark skinned with ******** ,what yours look like"
bloke A "never mind lets just look for yours" :lol: :wink:
 
new atlas has just been drawn up .north pole is at top ,south pole is at bottom and every other ******* pole is in england :lol: :lol:
 
couple having sex on there 25th anniversary.
wife says can we have light on for a change ,we have been married 25 years and never had sex with light on .
husband agrees ,but when she turns light on she finds he has been using a dildo.
she goes fuckig mad saying he is not a real man using a dildo for 25 really ripping in to him .
hubby says ..ok calm down ,i will explain the dildo if you explain the kids
 
Man rushes into the Maternity ward in the hospital where his wife has juts given birth, the midwife stops him and takes him to the side, she says "About your baby sir, there is good news, and I'm afraid there is some bad news."
The man is understandly a bit worried, and asks for the bad news first, the midwife says "There's no easy to say this, so I'm just going to cut straight to the point...........I'm afraid your baby is............Ginger."
"Ohh" says the man, trying to hide is shame.
"What's the good news?" He asks.
The midwife responds






"It's dead!"
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 

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