jokes

well since spoons has called me a gent i thought i would have to take my rep deeper in to the gutter .

so heres my joke of week

2 unemployed irishmen see a sign in police window."TWO BLACK MEN WANTED FOR RAPE"paddy says "****ing niggas get all best jobs" :wink:
 
a airline recently introduced a special half price rate for wives who accompanied there hubbys on buisness trips.expecting good feedback they sent out letters to the wiveswho had used the rates asking how they had enjoyed their trip.letters are pouring in asking WHAT TRIP 8) 8) :lol:
 
RIP Bernard Manning, I'm sure Jabba will carry on your good work !! :lol:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3867363.stm
 
craignwo4life said:
RIP Bernard Manning, I'm sure Jabba will carry on your good work !! :lol:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3867363.stm
Click to expand...

****ing devastated .my mate went to watch him .big lad my mate and bernard said to him your a big lad if you say its christmas its ****ing christmas :lol: :lol:
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already...
The little boy says "Dark in here."

The man says "Yes, it is."
Boy. "I have a football for sale."
Man. "That's nice."
Boy. "Want to buy it?"
Man. "No, thanks."
Boy. "My dad's outside..."
Man. "OK, how much?"
Boy. "Ã'£250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy. "Dark in here."
Man. "Yes, it is."
Boy. "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?!"
Boy. "Ã'£750"
Man. "Sold."


A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy."Ã'£1,000."
The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that again. You're in my cupboard now!"
 
Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.


A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.


My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his
patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.


Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.


Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the **** out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.


Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum
like?' Little girl replies 'Big c*cks and vodka'.


A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.


Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I
have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've
got a headache'.


Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.


Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.


Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a
dangerous mole removed from his p*nis...... he won't be shagging one of
those again!


It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5
kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!


Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.


A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her *****.
Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the
iceberg!


How do you kill a circus?......Go for the juggler
 
i am a bit concerned about the harry potter movies its all very believable, the wizards, flying cars, magic, dragons, trolls, flying on broomsticks, talking pictures, moving staircases, small golden balls that fly, invisible train tracks but a ginger kid with 2 mates thats taking it a bit far!!!!
 
mash said:
i am a bit concerned about the harry potter movies its all very believable, the wizards, flying cars, magic, dragons, trolls, flying on broomsticks, talking pictures, moving staircases, small golden balls that fly, invisible train tracks but a ginger kid with 2 mates thats taking it a bit far!!!!
Click to expand...

The guy that was the warm up act for the one man star wars show told us that joke! :lol:
 
barrymore was asked if he was doing panto this year ."no "he replied ,"i did aladdin 6 years ago and i,ve never heard the last of it!"
 
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