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NEWSFLASH.the cumbria train driver is being questioned by the police.he says a paki caused the crash."was he on the tracks "ask the cops."no he was in a field but i got the bastard :lol: :lol:
 
jabbawokkie said:
i carnt be bothered to read them never mind be sad enought to type them out

heres one manu think they are gonna get something on saturday
Click to expand...

i didn't type them mate just copy and pasted from a joke web site.

you have got to read them they are so funny, and not about lfc just scousers mate. i think you would love the baseball :lol: :wink:
 
boy being attacked in street by savage dog,a man kills dog and saves boy.local repoter gets it on camera and says to bloke tomorrows head line will read blackman saves boy.man says i am not black ,so reporter says indian saves boy from crazed animal .man says i am not indian i am a pakistanni.so reporter says paki bastard kills family pet
 
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the forrest.

The rabbit asks: so do you also have the problem that the **** always sticks to your fur?

No, says the bear and whipes his ass of with the rabbit.
 
feel76 said:
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the forrest.

The rabbit asks: so do you also have the problem that the **** always sticks to your fur?

No, says the bear and whipes his ass of with the rabbit.
Click to expand...

:lol: delerious, eddie murphy
 
Liverpool FC
A young Iranian was signed by Liverpool FC because the scouts said he was brilliant.
Manchester United come to town and is battering Liverpool 4-0. The Liverpool manager calls the new Iranian lad from the bench and brings him on with 20 minutes to go. Within 15 minutes the kid has done some fantastic skill and scored 5 goals. Liverpool win 5-4
Later he calls him mum.
"Mum, mum I've just scored 5 goals in 15 minutes and we won 5-4"
"oh that's fantastic. Meanwhile your dad stepped out of the door and got shot. The house has been ransacked and me and your sister have been repeatedly raped"
"Oh mama I'm so sorry", replied the footballer.
"You should be it was your idea to move to Liverpool in the first place!"
 
What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.



What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McCoatup



Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."
 
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand
 
This fella goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said "put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put a different cream on. The man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"
 
the perfect day
The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 *******.
7:45 Massive dump while reading sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 *******.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 *******.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 ****, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch sky Live coverage of Tony Blairs resignation. Cherie and Gordon Brown are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight *******. Sleep
 
bloke laid on beech with no arms and legs
3 gorgeous birds walk past
1st bird feeling sorry for him says have you ever been hugged
bloke says no so she gives him a hug
2nd bird says have you ever been kissed
bloke says no so she gives him a kiss
3rd bird says have you ever been ******
bloke says no
you will be when tide comes in :lol: :lol:
 
bird stands in front of mirror and says to her hubby i look horrible ,fat and ugly pay me a compliment
hubby says your eye sight is ******* spot on
 
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."


A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your ****."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my ****, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't **** with anyone who can drink that much beer."

A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.
So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog.
The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her.
His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?"
The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the **** outta here."


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Three Inch Tall Drinking Partner
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a ******..."

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Wish Fulfillment
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
 

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