jokes
- Thread starter jayjedi
- Start date
Ron
Sith Lord
The first time I went to a chemist to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, ‘Compared to what?’
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm about that big.’
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, ‘You're a medium.’
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm about that big.’
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, ‘You're a medium.’
Ron said:The first time I went to a chemist to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, ‘Compared to what?’
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm about that big.’
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, ‘You're a medium.’[/quote
Quality
Hello.
One more sabre building joke.
2 Irishmen walking through crocodile country and they see a crocodile lying there with 2 human arms and a 2 human legs hanging out of its mouth.
One of the Irish guys turns round to the other and says check that lucky bastard with the lacoste tracksuit on.
Cheers Grant.
PS No Offence ment to any Irishmen reading this post.
One more sabre building joke.
2 Irishmen walking through crocodile country and they see a crocodile lying there with 2 human arms and a 2 human legs hanging out of its mouth.
One of the Irish guys turns round to the other and says check that lucky bastard with the lacoste tracksuit on.
Cheers Grant.
PS No Offence ment to any Irishmen reading this post.
weasel said:
Weasel, If i had known you were Irish i wouldnt have listed the last Joke.
Anyway here is one more then im done with these crappy jokes.
An Irish man catchs his son snorting a line of cocaine and says to him,
If I catch you doing that again a rub your fecking nose in that *****.
Cheers,
Grant. :lol: :lol:
Here's one I got from Jabba (credit where credit is due, but God know's who sent it to him!)
A liitle bit of Abdul on the floor,
A little bit of Ahmed on the door,
A little bit of Sanjay in the hall,
A little bit of Imran up the wall...........
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Mumbai number 5!
A liitle bit of Abdul on the floor,
A little bit of Ahmed on the door,
A little bit of Sanjay in the hall,
A little bit of Imran up the wall...........
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Mumbai number 5!
jayjedi
Sith Lord
i cant believe jabba sent you that :lol:
THIS IS HILARIOUS.......installing a husband
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears
6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those
applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download
the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears
6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those
applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download
the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
It's an old one, but still funny.
------------------------------------------------
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Three million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesnot know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops tohelp.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and foodcrops.
The rest of the European community except France is sending money.
The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending three million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless British generosity!!!
------------------------------------------------
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Three million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesnot know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops tohelp.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and foodcrops.
The rest of the European community except France is sending money.
The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending three million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless British generosity!!!
Few jokes here, needless to say most are in questionable taste..........
Prince Phillip is said to be ashamed and dissapointed at his grandson's behaviour.............He can't believe he called the little paki bastard his "friend"
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Couple driving home and run over a badger, they get out and fnd it's still breathng but freezing cold. He says "put it between your legs to warm it up" she says "but it's all wet and it stinks" he says "well, hold the badgers ******* nose then!"
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Women Eh!
****-jobs, nose-jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise........................and THEN they won't take it up the arse cos "it hurts!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
After a whirlwond romance Garry Glitter has announced he is to wed his financee. When asked by the press why his new in-laws weren't going to be present at the ceremony he replied that his new wife didnt speak to her parents after an awful holiday in Portugal 18 months ago!
Prince Phillip is said to be ashamed and dissapointed at his grandson's behaviour.............He can't believe he called the little paki bastard his "friend"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Couple driving home and run over a badger, they get out and fnd it's still breathng but freezing cold. He says "put it between your legs to warm it up" she says "but it's all wet and it stinks" he says "well, hold the badgers ******* nose then!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Women Eh!
****-jobs, nose-jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise........................and THEN they won't take it up the arse cos "it hurts!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
After a whirlwond romance Garry Glitter has announced he is to wed his financee. When asked by the press why his new in-laws weren't going to be present at the ceremony he replied that his new wife didnt speak to her parents after an awful holiday in Portugal 18 months ago!
tiefighterboy
Grand Master
Love the Badger one. :lol:
Funny but offensive DONT READ if you are easily offended!!!
MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...******.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer! Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched,
you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a ***.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher
MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...******.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer! Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched,
you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a ***.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher
