aussiejames
Sith Lord
She is not dead: Police drew the white line around her body- she jumped up & snorted it !
Joke
- Thread starter weasel
- Start date
Imperial nut
Sith Lord
:lol: :lol: love it weasel,, there has got to be a laboratory somewhere with guys in coats working on these jokes,, they are out so quick.
classic though. the cat one is soooo topical and kinda wrong :0
classic though. the cat one is soooo topical and kinda wrong :0
ODB
Jedi Master
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2010
- Messages
- 701
I had a text from a dyslexic friend who asked if I knew anything about a death in an Army Warehouse in London?
Amy Winehouse approaches the gates of Heaven and is at the back of a massive queue of people, St Peter sees her and beckons her to the front:
"Am I getting special treatment because of my fame?" she asks,
St Peter replies, "No, we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this f**king lot!"
Amy Winehouse approaches the gates of Heaven and is at the back of a massive queue of people, St Peter sees her and beckons her to the front:
"Am I getting special treatment because of my fame?" she asks,
St Peter replies, "No, we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this f**king lot!"
aussiejames
Sith Lord
:lol: somebody has to satisfy your women 
Saving you money on food............that's Asda price
Saving you money on toys...........that's Fisher Price
Bumping into fridges and dribbling..........that's Harvey Price!
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I've been practicing my routine for this years Britain's got talent, the music starts, I turn the TV off and **** off out!
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Me and the missus had a blazing row earlier and I ended up giving her a slap. Five mins later and we ended up having the best sex ever. Looks like I'm going to have to wait for my dinner though................she's still unconscious.
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Dr Conrad Murray told the court about Michael Jackson's dramaatic weight loss..............."Michael had got so thin that his pyjama tops were like a tent on him, he could even squeeze himself into children's bottoms."
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My mate reckons he always cries after sex.................mind you he's in prison!
Saving you money on toys...........that's Fisher Price
Bumping into fridges and dribbling..........that's Harvey Price!
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I've been practicing my routine for this years Britain's got talent, the music starts, I turn the TV off and **** off out!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Me and the missus had a blazing row earlier and I ended up giving her a slap. Five mins later and we ended up having the best sex ever. Looks like I'm going to have to wait for my dinner though................she's still unconscious.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dr Conrad Murray told the court about Michael Jackson's dramaatic weight loss..............."Michael had got so thin that his pyjama tops were like a tent on him, he could even squeeze himself into children's bottoms."
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My mate reckons he always cries after sex.................mind you he's in prison!
Imperial nut
Sith Lord
ha
"i'd like to dedicate this next joke to my dad who is a roofer ,,, so dad if your up there"
"i used to work in the helium factory ,,i quit. i refuse to be spoken to in that tone"
"i used to make clown shoes, which is no small feat"
"i want to write a mystery novel ,,, or do i"
"i like what mechanics wear, overall"
"i'd like to dedicate this next joke to my dad who is a roofer ,,, so dad if your up there"
"i used to work in the helium factory ,,i quit. i refuse to be spoken to in that tone"
"i used to make clown shoes, which is no small feat"
"i want to write a mystery novel ,,, or do i"
"i like what mechanics wear, overall"
Are they from yonder Canadian bloke on Mock the Week?
Care of Jabba...........A muslim/gypsy/French man (delete as appropriate) has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP skydiving school say they have no idea why his snorkel and flippers didn't open.
Care of Jabba...........A muslim/gypsy/French man (delete as appropriate) has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP skydiving school say they have no idea why his snorkel and flippers didn't open.
Richard_H
Grand Master
Cliff Richard on tour in China signs autographs as he leaves his hotel room. An excited little guy asks him if he's going to sing Hairy Fanny tonight. Cliff gets very embarrassed and makes a hasty retreat.
Unfortunately the same little guy intercepts him on the way into the venue. "Cliff, Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny for me tonight!"
Cliff asks his agent, "what the hell is going on about?"
The agent hastens Cliff away. But the little guy has a backstage pass and finds Cliff again. "Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny! Sing it tonight for me and my family."
Cliff approaches the little guy, "I assure you that you have me mistaken with someone else, I have never heard or sang such a vulgar song."
He goes to leave but little guy says' "hairy fanny. A huge hit in China. You sing it for me and my family tonight.!" He then proudly opens his mouth and sings, "hairy fanny, how we don't talk anymore!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
A guy on an aeroplane is bursting for a ****. He gets up and notices the queue for the gents is 4 or 5 deep. But the queue for the lasses is empty. He glances about but thinks, sod it and takes his chance. He opens the door and glances about in amazement. There is a mirror with lights about it like in a star's dressing room. The room is covered in pink decor. There is a fluffy pink toilet seat, with pink plush carpet and a row of buttons on the wall with letters written on them.
He sits down and does his business.
As he's finishing up he looks at the buttons. The first is marked with a letter "P". He presses it out of curiosity and is surprised when a robotic arm appears out of the wall with a powder puff and applies a bit powder to each cheek. The next is marked with an "L". He presses that and another arm appears and applies a little lipstick to him. An "S" gives him a little perfumed scent. He gazes at the remaining buttons and sees one marked ATR. He presses it, screams and faints.
He then awakens in a hospital in a state of confusion. A doctor is leaning over him and begins talking, "you are one lucky guy."
"What happened, how did I end up here?"
"We'd like to know that too. Perhaps I can help you with your memory. Now think hard, you were on a plane weren't you?"
The man thinks hard and then remembers "yes, yes I was on a plane. I needed the toilet."
Doctor,"why didn't you go to the gents?"
Man, "there was a queue. I didn't want to wait."
Doctor, "I think I understand now. You thought you'd go to the ladies didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I did"
Doctor, "you enjoyed it didn't you."
Man, "yes, I remember the lovely room, nice mirror, all that pink"
Doctor, "you saw a row of buttons on the wall didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I remember. The powder, the lipstick it was great."
Doctor, "I'm sure it was. But can you remember another button. One with ATR written on it? Did you press that one?"
Man thinking hard, "yes. Yes I'm sure I did."
Doctor, "that explains everything"
Man, "why? What does ATR stand for?"
Doctor, "automatic tampon remover"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Unfortunately the same little guy intercepts him on the way into the venue. "Cliff, Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny for me tonight!"
Cliff asks his agent, "what the hell is going on about?"
The agent hastens Cliff away. But the little guy has a backstage pass and finds Cliff again. "Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny! Sing it tonight for me and my family."
Cliff approaches the little guy, "I assure you that you have me mistaken with someone else, I have never heard or sang such a vulgar song."
He goes to leave but little guy says' "hairy fanny. A huge hit in China. You sing it for me and my family tonight.!" He then proudly opens his mouth and sings, "hairy fanny, how we don't talk anymore!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
A guy on an aeroplane is bursting for a ****. He gets up and notices the queue for the gents is 4 or 5 deep. But the queue for the lasses is empty. He glances about but thinks, sod it and takes his chance. He opens the door and glances about in amazement. There is a mirror with lights about it like in a star's dressing room. The room is covered in pink decor. There is a fluffy pink toilet seat, with pink plush carpet and a row of buttons on the wall with letters written on them.
He sits down and does his business.
As he's finishing up he looks at the buttons. The first is marked with a letter "P". He presses it out of curiosity and is surprised when a robotic arm appears out of the wall with a powder puff and applies a bit powder to each cheek. The next is marked with an "L". He presses that and another arm appears and applies a little lipstick to him. An "S" gives him a little perfumed scent. He gazes at the remaining buttons and sees one marked ATR. He presses it, screams and faints.
He then awakens in a hospital in a state of confusion. A doctor is leaning over him and begins talking, "you are one lucky guy."
"What happened, how did I end up here?"
"We'd like to know that too. Perhaps I can help you with your memory. Now think hard, you were on a plane weren't you?"
The man thinks hard and then remembers "yes, yes I was on a plane. I needed the toilet."
Doctor,"why didn't you go to the gents?"
Man, "there was a queue. I didn't want to wait."
Doctor, "I think I understand now. You thought you'd go to the ladies didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I did"
Doctor, "you enjoyed it didn't you."
Man, "yes, I remember the lovely room, nice mirror, all that pink"
Doctor, "you saw a row of buttons on the wall didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I remember. The powder, the lipstick it was great."
Doctor, "I'm sure it was. But can you remember another button. One with ATR written on it? Did you press that one?"
Man thinking hard, "yes. Yes I'm sure I did."
Doctor, "that explains everything"
Man, "why? What does ATR stand for?"
Doctor, "automatic tampon remover"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Richard_H
Grand Master
I spent ages typing this on my iPhone and not one comment?
I feel like Neil now! :lol:
I feel like Neil now! :lol:
Dublinjeff
Grand Master
:lol:
jackabina
Sith Lord
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2011
- Messages
- 2,693
Cc4rhu said:
Bastard!! :lol:
Mickey Mouse's lawyer call's him in the office and say's "Mickey, i've been looking into your case, and I don't think you've got grounds to divorce Minnie, just because she's got big teeth".
"I didn't say she had big teeth", said Mickey "I said she was ****ing Goofy!
I'm here all week
What's a Scotsman favorite phone? An Ayyyee phone!
aussiejames
Sith Lord
Richard_H
Grand Master
Did you hear about the gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.
