Crap Towns

[Darth Wensleydale]

I've received a couple of copies of the Crap Towns annual over the past couple of years. Its a great, if depressing read. Here's the entry for my home town:

Walsall

The filthy streets, the unwashed masses, the charming local accent that makes us sound as though we were born retarded and have been drinking turpentine every day since then… These are the best aspects of Walsall.

There’s a new art gallery, grey and shaped like a box. Clearly a great deal of thought went into making it look as appealing from the outside as it is enjoyable inside.

And a new bus station. Cost a small fortune to build, looks absolutely revolting, has slowed down traffic for miles around because the entrance is tiny and buses have to queue past the exit to get into the entrance â€" so a traffic jam can last theoretically until the end of time. Best of all, they didn’t realise until after it was built that it wasn’t big enough for all the buses.

The crowning glory of Walsall, though, is its people. They will happily kill you with an axe while you wait outside the local chippie for a deep-friend Mars bar. (This actually happened. An axe.)

Anybody want to see what it says about their town :wink:

 

[Ron]

Is there anything for inverness simon

 

[Darth Wensleydale]

No, it is not afforded the honour of a mention. What's it like to live in?

 

[weasel]

Does it do any towns in NI?

 

[Ron]

No, it is not afforded the honour of a mention. What's it like to live in?

Very nice. Its not to big a city.No major traffic jams. You can always get home from work with in 5-10 mins. We get about 1 murder a year up here

 

[jaymassive619]

Put the middlesbrough and darlington descriptions up Simon cheers Jay

 

[20backdPb]

I dont need no book to tell me my home town of Gosport is crap.
I think it will be in the new book, The totally shitiest towns in the universe.
Only Joking i love living here really :roll:

 

[Darth Wensleydale]

Jay I'll find out Middlesbrough tomorrow (I think Darlo escaped :wink. Here is Yarm, which I'm sure you know well, not as scathing as it could be.

Yarm

Highlight: The Flighty Cod chip shop
Lowlight: Waiting to get served in the Black Bull and then tasting the beer afterwards.

Yarm is the worst sort of town: a whited sepulchre.

Superficially, it appears an attractive market town in the industrial wasteland of Teesside. However, spending any amount of time there one will discover that no resident has any taste or cultural discernment, the pubs attract a crowd similar to that found in the Costa del Sol, complete with fake tans and skimpy clothes.

Weekends and Tuesdays (singles night) are even worse with fighting yobs and divorcees on the hunt from out of town to pull the perceived better class, and hence (they assume) richer, resident of Yarm. . After 11 the only place to go is upstairs above a pub for a disco where the once-tasted, never-forgotten Tetley Imperial is served. Taxis will then charge a minimum of ?5 to take you half a mile out of the place.

Nowhere is the famed northern friendliness on show.

 

[Darth Wensleydale]

Does it do any towns in NI?

Can't remember Weas I'll have a look.

 

[han duo]

Put the middlesbrough and darlington descriptions up Simon cheers Jay

middlesbourgh is a quality night out.........well used to be when i used to go (sugar shack) darlo's a **** hole though

 

[jezza124]

darth has it got glossop or slatybridge?

 

[Darth Wensleydale]

darth has it got glossop or slatybridge?

No, they don't make it Jezza, there's far worse places :wink:

Weasel, here is Portadown which was 22nd out of 50 (No.1 being worst):

PORTADOWN

Population: 21000

Famous residents:

Roy Walker from Catchphrase, David Trimble

Portadown is infamous the world over for its sectarian problems and hate-filled marching season.

Once every year, the Orange Order gathers at Drumcree Church and brings along a host of political cavemen to join in the fun. This is, of course, all in the name of ‘protest’ about the government’s decision to disallow the Order and its vast entourage to march down the Queen’s highway, as was. Such a decision has, for years, irked these good citizens who would regularly look forward to scaring small children and families on the contentious estate.

All of this is played out in the full glare of the media spotlight ensuring Northern Ireland and Portadown in particular are not exactly top of the tourist wish-list. The town itself doesn’t let the side down for the remainder of the time. The various flags on lamp-posts add a nice touch of colour to the otherwise dreary surroundings arid, on the rare days of sunshine, all manner of people emerge.

It is a bit like Burnley but with more tattoos.

 

[Darth Wensleydale]

Part of the Middlesbrough entry Jay:

Middlesbrough

Last November I visited Middlesbrough for a few days on business. I checked in at the hotel on the Thursday, and was politely and helpfully informed by the young lady at the desk that it wasn’t a good idea to go out in the centre of ‘Boro’ after dark. I mistakenly assumed that this was just another method of persuading guests to use the hotel’s facilities in the hope of raking in yet more cash. So I thought, I would pop out early evening a quick bite to eat before an early night.

Let’s just say if you aren’t from ‘Boro’ don’t walk into a pub and order a pint (remember the old Westerns when the gunman walks in and the piano stops playing?). Despite having to kick a syringe out of the way on the way back to the hotel, I did survive the evening. I only woke up once in the night and that was just because of the screaming. I looked out of the window and saw a body on the paving below.

As it happens I was there to talk to members of the local police force, and the description from one officer (though I doubt it’s the official line) was memorable: ‘Two things to do in Middlesbrough, Chemical industry and crime. The second is easier to get into and you aren’t any more likely to be killed by it.’

 

[weasel]

Weasel, here is Portadown which was 22nd out of 50 (No.1 being worst):

Cool, I play hockey In Portadown, so I'll have to show this to a few of the guys who actually live there!

 

[jabbawokkie]

is pontefract on

 

[mash]

weston-super-Mare must be there!! 8)

 

[xAngelx]

Everyone says Grimsby is a crap town, but once you get past all the chavs it's not all bad.

 

[Darth Wensleydale]

No Pontefract, Weston or Grimsby. Bridgwater is in there though Mash:

Bridgwater lies about fifty miles southwest of Bristol, conveniently close to the M5. The River Parrett runs through the town from the Bristol Channel and on to Taunton. Once the river provided a vital industrial link deep inside the Southwest. This was until the inhabitants of Bridgwater built a bridge across the river, forcing the tall ships to stop there, and beginning their illustrious history as a port. A history which has all but ended.

Like some kind of Wild West ghost-town, it has remained a dusty, hollow shell, trading on days of past glories. Huge main roads, lined with railings, criss-cross Bridgwater. Old, badly built Victorian houses gently crumble away while modern monstrosities stand awkwardly next to them, just waiting for their ultimate decay. The dust, dirt and exhaust fumes conspire together in an attempt to kill what may be left alive which hasn’t been run over.

Bridgwater has a carnival once a year. Interesting you might think. But, as with most things in Bridgwater, it’s crap. Rather than have it during the summer when it’s nice and warm and may attract lots of tourists, it is held in November when cold winds blow straight up from the Bristol Channel. I think the only reason they hold it is to give them something better to do than commit suicide.

 

[spoons]

does it have any of the london suburbs Darth?

Northolt or Hounslow

or the worst place I ever stayed was Bridgend in Wales - rough to say the least

 

[weasel]

Port Talbot?

The most depressing place I have ever seen! I drve through it once and I felt suicidal!