A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your *****, and drink from your ****."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't **** with anyone who can drink that much beer."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.
So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog.
The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her.
His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?"
The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the **** outta here."
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Three Inch Tall Drinking Partner
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
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Wish Fulfillment
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."