The invisible man has become a pain in the arse, knocks on my door every night, I've started telling the wife to go to the door, and tell him I can't see him
**** joke club
- Thread starter Michael Sith
- Start date
JuniorChubb
Sith Lord
I was very worried about the invisible man being a pain in your arse Michael :lol: :lol:
Ouch!
Ouch!
Nah he's not like that, good lad really, never tells lies, cos he knows you'll see right through him 
Rebel_Runner
Jedi Master
- Joined
- May 16, 2013
- Messages
- 880
JC your joke's got me proper chuckling. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Richard_H
Grand Master
Ok here goes.....
Lorraine and her daughter Deirdre are ready to audition for the X factor. Deirdre though is really nervous. Lorraine is concerned for her daughter, who has a fantastic voice, as she is very self conscious about her looks.
As they go on stage Deirdre hides behind Lorraine and does so throughout the performance. The judges are a little confused. They can only see 1 singer but can hear two. They stop the performance and ask what is going on.
Lorraine explains about her shy daughter deirde. The judges ask to see deirde but she refuses to come out from behind her mam. The performance continues but the judges don't really like the voice of the mother. They stop the set again and vote Lorraine off. Forgetting about her daughter Loraine trudges off the stage. "Ah!" Says one of the judges. "I can see Deirdre now Lorraine has gone."
Lorraine and her daughter Deirdre are ready to audition for the X factor. Deirdre though is really nervous. Lorraine is concerned for her daughter, who has a fantastic voice, as she is very self conscious about her looks.
As they go on stage Deirdre hides behind Lorraine and does so throughout the performance. The judges are a little confused. They can only see 1 singer but can hear two. They stop the performance and ask what is going on.
Lorraine explains about her shy daughter deirde. The judges ask to see deirde but she refuses to come out from behind her mam. The performance continues but the judges don't really like the voice of the mother. They stop the set again and vote Lorraine off. Forgetting about her daughter Loraine trudges off the stage. "Ah!" Says one of the judges. "I can see Deirdre now Lorraine has gone."
Richard_H
Grand Master
Did you hear about the gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.
Did you hear about the queer shepherd? Kept mountain goats.
A truckload of 50,000 Viagra tablets have been stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals.
Did you hear about the queer shepherd? Kept mountain goats.
A truckload of 50,000 Viagra tablets have been stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals.
Richard_H
Grand Master
A national car rally is taking place in Birmingham. Martin is a keen car enthusiast and has decided to drive down from Glasgow to show off his classic Datsun Cherry. 2 weeks before the show he strips is car down for a tune up, but when he assembles it again he over torques a sprocket which cracks a cog. Worriedly he heads off to the local garage who laugh at him as the part is so old. He tries to find any Datsun specialists who are in the UK but has no luck. Eventually he contacts Datsun in Japan and a small warehouse is found which has around 20 cogs of various sizes. He agrees to purchase the lot but is annoyed at the 28 day delivery. He agrees to fly to Japan and collect them.
With 3 days to go he collects the cogs from the warehouse. He is stopped at customs but explains the need for the cogs and eventually is allowed to board. As the plane flies towards China a malfunction light appears and the plane loses altitude. All non-essential items are thrown off the plane and it begins to rise again. As they head towards the Sahara desert the same happens. The captain orders all baggage to be thrown off. It isn't enough. Eventually all cargo is to be jettisoned. Martin cries and pleads but reluctantly agrees that for the safety of all passengers the cogs have to go, and off they go. The box catches on the edge of the door and rips open spilling the contents over the edge.
A train of camels is plodding through the desert. At the head of the chain is a rich Sheikh. Behind him many slaves are using fans to keep the Sheikh cool. Behind them a servant is sweating from the heat. He looks towards the sun and sees some car parts hurtling towards the sand. "look master, it's raining Datsun Cogs!"
With 3 days to go he collects the cogs from the warehouse. He is stopped at customs but explains the need for the cogs and eventually is allowed to board. As the plane flies towards China a malfunction light appears and the plane loses altitude. All non-essential items are thrown off the plane and it begins to rise again. As they head towards the Sahara desert the same happens. The captain orders all baggage to be thrown off. It isn't enough. Eventually all cargo is to be jettisoned. Martin cries and pleads but reluctantly agrees that for the safety of all passengers the cogs have to go, and off they go. The box catches on the edge of the door and rips open spilling the contents over the edge.
A train of camels is plodding through the desert. At the head of the chain is a rich Sheikh. Behind him many slaves are using fans to keep the Sheikh cool. Behind them a servant is sweating from the heat. He looks towards the sun and sees some car parts hurtling towards the sand. "look master, it's raining Datsun Cogs!"
JuniorChubb
Sith Lord
where do you get em Rich :lol: :lol: :lol:
A new Mens grooming salon has opened up in a back street near me...
Its run by a foreign bloke called Ali Baba.
A new Mens grooming salon has opened up in a back street near me...
Its run by a foreign bloke called Ali Baba.
Richard_H
Grand Master
The Deirdre and Lorraine line came to me as I was writing the Christmas panto. I changed the ugly sisters from Griselda and Gertrude to D and L. I then had to work it into a joke for this. The same with the freeze a jolly good fellow. That was a couple of years ago.
I'm really bad for changing panto scripts. The kids get pissed because I'll give them a script, usually 2 months late, and then even on the night I'm switching lines around and adding new jokes in. :lol:
I'm really bad for changing panto scripts. The kids get pissed because I'll give them a script, usually 2 months late, and then even on the night I'm switching lines around and adding new jokes in. :lol:
JuniorChubb
Sith Lord
Directors artistic discretion my friend, lets you get away with murder :lol:
BTW Jesus walks into a hotel with a bag of nails the other day and asked...
Can you put me up for the night.
BTW Jesus walks into a hotel with a bag of nails the other day and asked...
Can you put me up for the night.
Dublinjeff
Grand Master
:lol: :lol:
My friend used to tell this joke at school... :?
Two digestive biscuits are walking down the road and one says to the other 'where abouts do you live?'. The other biscuit replies 'i'm not telling you - you'll come round and nick all my washing'
That's it. It qualifies for the **** joke club as it's proper ****
Two digestive biscuits are walking down the road and one says to the other 'where abouts do you live?'. The other biscuit replies 'i'm not telling you - you'll come round and nick all my washing'
That's it. It qualifies for the **** joke club as it's proper ****
JuniorChubb
Sith Lord
I think the thread has found its grail piece :lol:
Time to lock it up and start a '**** limerick' thread instead...
Time to lock it up and start a '**** limerick' thread instead...
Dublinjeff
Grand Master
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry....
Comedy gold right there....... :lol: :lol:
To keep their nuts dry....
Comedy gold right there....... :lol: :lol:
JuniorChubb
Sith Lord
A young American Indian boy is sitting next to his father (The Big Chief) by a fire outside their teepee. The boy turns to his father and says...
"Father, how did my older sister get her name?"
To which his father replies. "Son, when your sister was born I took her in my arms and took her outside to show her the world, as I exited the teepee I saw a Golden Eagle leave its perch and soar gracefully into the sky, so I name her Soaring-Eagle."
The boy takes this in then asks his father how his older brother got his name.
To which his father replies. "Son, when your brother was born I took him in my arms and took him outside to show him the world, as I exited the teepee I saw a great buffalo running into the sunset, so I name him Running-Buffalo......
....why you ask Two-Dogs-****ing?"
"Father, how did my older sister get her name?"
To which his father replies. "Son, when your sister was born I took her in my arms and took her outside to show her the world, as I exited the teepee I saw a Golden Eagle leave its perch and soar gracefully into the sky, so I name her Soaring-Eagle."
The boy takes this in then asks his father how his older brother got his name.
To which his father replies. "Son, when your brother was born I took him in my arms and took him outside to show him the world, as I exited the teepee I saw a great buffalo running into the sunset, so I name him Running-Buffalo......
....why you ask Two-Dogs-****ing?"
Dublinjeff
Grand Master
:lol: :lol: :lol:
