rob71
Sith Lord
jackabina said:
These are too good for the **** Jokes club :lol: :lol: :lol:
I've sent that one to the mrs at work
**** joke club
- Thread starter Michael Sith
- Start date
These are too good for the **** Jokes club :lol: :lol: :lol:
I've sent that one to the mrs at work
rob71
Sith Lord
What's pink and smells of ginger?
Fred Astaire's cock :lol:
Fred Astaire's cock :lol:
rob71
Sith Lord
What's the diffference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
I'll get my coat
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
I'll get my coat
Richard_H
Grand Master
A rabbit walks in a bar and orders a cheese and tomato toastie
He returns the next day and orders a cheese and ham toastie
He returns the next day and orders a bacon and egg toastie
He returns the next day and orders a cheese and pickle toastie
He doesn't turn up the next day. The barmen finds out later he died of mixingmetoasties
He returns the next day and orders a cheese and ham toastie
He returns the next day and orders a bacon and egg toastie
He returns the next day and orders a cheese and pickle toastie
He doesn't turn up the next day. The barmen finds out later he died of mixingmetoasties
:lol: :lol: that's in a league of its own :lol: :lol:
Richard_H
Grand Master
A woman goes swimming in shark infested waters. After 3 hours, no sign of her. The life guard gets concerned and police get involved. For days there's a missing person appeal but the police have nothing to go on other than she was a woman. Police call a press conference for another appeal. During the appeal an officer rushes in with some breaking news. She has dandruff. The press are baffled. You don't know her name, age or address but know she has dandruff? How?
The reply.
We've found her head and shoulders on the beach.
The reply.
We've found her head and shoulders on the beach.
The king of the SJC has arrived
These are the best two worst jokes I've heard for years...take a bow sir
These are the best two worst jokes I've heard for years...take a bow sir
Richard_H
Grand Master
Cliff Richard on tour in China signs autographs as he leaves his hotel room. An excited little guy asks him if he's going to sing Hairy Fanny tonight. Cliff gets very embarrassed and makes a hasty retreat.
Unfortunately the same little guy intercepts him on the way into the venue. "Cliff, Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny for me tonight!"
Cliff asks his agent, "what the hell is going on about?"
The agent hastens Cliff away. But the little guy has a backstage pass and finds Cliff again. "Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny! Sing it tonight for me and my family."
Cliff approaches the little guy, "I assure you that you have me mistaken with someone else, I have never heard or sang such a vulgar song."
He goes to leave but little guy says' "hairy fanny. A huge hit in China. You sing it for me and my family tonight.!" He then proudly opens his mouth and sings, "hairy fanny, how we don't talk anymore!"
A guy on an aeroplane is bursting for a ****. He gets up and notices the queue for the gents is 4 or 5 deep. But the queue for the lasses is empty. He glances about but thinks, sod it and takes his chance. He opens the door and glances about in amazement. There is a mirror with lights about it like in a star's dressing room. The room is covered in pink decor. There is a fluffy pink toilet seat, with pink plush carpet and a row of buttons on the wall with letters written on them.
He sits down and does his business.
As he's finishing up he looks at the buttons. The first is marked with a letter "P". He presses it out of curiosity and is surprised when a robotic arm appears out of the wall with a powder puff and applies a bit powder to each cheek. The next is marked with an "L". He presses that and another arm appears and applies a little lipstick to him. An "S" gives him a little perfumed scent. He gazes at the remaining buttons and sees one marked ATR. He presses it, screams and faints.
He then awakens in a hospital in a state of confusion. A doctor is leaning over him and begins talking, "you are one lucky guy."
"What happened, how did I end up here?"
"We'd like to know that too. Perhaps I can help you with your memory. Now think hard, you were on a plane weren't you?"
The man thinks hard and then remembers "yes, yes I was on a plane. I needed the toilet."
Doctor,"why didn't you go to the gents?"
Man, "there was a queue. I didn't want to wait."
Doctor, "I think I understand now. You thought you'd go to the ladies didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I did"
Doctor, "you enjoyed it didn't you."
Man, "yes, I remember the lovely room, nice mirror, all that pink"
Doctor, "you saw a row of buttons on the wall didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I remember. The powder, the lipstick it was great."
Doctor, "I'm sure it was. But can you remember another button. One with ATR written on it? Did you press that one?"
Man thinking hard, "yes. Yes I'm sure I did."
Doctor, "that explains everything"
Man, "why? What does ATR stand for?"
Doctor, "automatic tampon remover"
Unfortunately the same little guy intercepts him on the way into the venue. "Cliff, Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny for me tonight!"
Cliff asks his agent, "what the hell is going on about?"
The agent hastens Cliff away. But the little guy has a backstage pass and finds Cliff again. "Cliff, you sing Hairy Fanny! Sing it tonight for me and my family."
Cliff approaches the little guy, "I assure you that you have me mistaken with someone else, I have never heard or sang such a vulgar song."
He goes to leave but little guy says' "hairy fanny. A huge hit in China. You sing it for me and my family tonight.!" He then proudly opens his mouth and sings, "hairy fanny, how we don't talk anymore!"
A guy on an aeroplane is bursting for a ****. He gets up and notices the queue for the gents is 4 or 5 deep. But the queue for the lasses is empty. He glances about but thinks, sod it and takes his chance. He opens the door and glances about in amazement. There is a mirror with lights about it like in a star's dressing room. The room is covered in pink decor. There is a fluffy pink toilet seat, with pink plush carpet and a row of buttons on the wall with letters written on them.
He sits down and does his business.
As he's finishing up he looks at the buttons. The first is marked with a letter "P". He presses it out of curiosity and is surprised when a robotic arm appears out of the wall with a powder puff and applies a bit powder to each cheek. The next is marked with an "L". He presses that and another arm appears and applies a little lipstick to him. An "S" gives him a little perfumed scent. He gazes at the remaining buttons and sees one marked ATR. He presses it, screams and faints.
He then awakens in a hospital in a state of confusion. A doctor is leaning over him and begins talking, "you are one lucky guy."
"What happened, how did I end up here?"
"We'd like to know that too. Perhaps I can help you with your memory. Now think hard, you were on a plane weren't you?"
The man thinks hard and then remembers "yes, yes I was on a plane. I needed the toilet."
Doctor,"why didn't you go to the gents?"
Man, "there was a queue. I didn't want to wait."
Doctor, "I think I understand now. You thought you'd go to the ladies didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I did"
Doctor, "you enjoyed it didn't you."
Man, "yes, I remember the lovely room, nice mirror, all that pink"
Doctor, "you saw a row of buttons on the wall didn't you?"
Man, "yes, yes I remember. The powder, the lipstick it was great."
Doctor, "I'm sure it was. But can you remember another button. One with ATR written on it? Did you press that one?"
Man thinking hard, "yes. Yes I'm sure I did."
Doctor, "that explains everything"
Man, "why? What does ATR stand for?"
Doctor, "automatic tampon remover"
Wild Whiphid
Padawan
:lol: :lol: :lol:Cc4rhu said:
A bloke is waiting at the front desk of a hotel, when he accidentally bumps his elbow in the bazongas of the woman standing behind him. "Sorry for that, but if your heart is as soft as your bosom, you'll forgive me". To which the woman replies "No problem. And if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'll be in room 52".
Richard_H
Grand Master
A group of blind kids are at the beach with their teacher. They want to play football and it starts well as the teacher shoots out where the ball is. He gets bored after a while and wants to go to the pub for a quick pint. The kids are dismayed and want to keep playing football. Eventually the teacher comes up with a bright idea and ties a bell around the ball. He watches the kids for a while playing football with the bell ringing as it moves.
Happy he heads off to the pub. After an hour or so a guy walks into the pub and says, "Oy, are they your kids playing football on the beach?" "Yes" he replies.
"Well you better get down there quick as they're kicking the **** out of the donkeys."
Happy he heads off to the pub. After an hour or so a guy walks into the pub and says, "Oy, are they your kids playing football on the beach?" "Yes" he replies.
"Well you better get down there quick as they're kicking the **** out of the donkeys."
jackabina
Sith Lord
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2011
- Messages
- 2,693
Tarzan is swinging as normal in the jungle one day, when he gets stopped by Jane who says "every day for years I've watched you. You're really sexy in your little shorts, would you like to **** me"?
Tarzan say's, "yeah, I'd love to but I thought I was the only human in this jungle, so I've only ever done it to trees".
"Don't worry", says Jane. "**** me like you would a tree"
With this, Tarzan waits for Jane to undress, and he lays her down, spread eagle on the jungle floor. He takes a 10 foot run up and kicks her as hard as he can in her Jack and Danny!
After she get's her breath back, and holding herself in pain, she shout's "WHAT THE **** DID YOU DO THAT FOR"
"Just checking for squirrel's" said Tarzan.
Tarzan say's, "yeah, I'd love to but I thought I was the only human in this jungle, so I've only ever done it to trees".
"Don't worry", says Jane. "**** me like you would a tree"
With this, Tarzan waits for Jane to undress, and he lays her down, spread eagle on the jungle floor. He takes a 10 foot run up and kicks her as hard as he can in her Jack and Danny!
After she get's her breath back, and holding herself in pain, she shout's "WHAT THE **** DID YOU DO THAT FOR"
"Just checking for squirrel's" said Tarzan.
jackabina
Sith Lord
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2011
- Messages
- 2,693
A timid little bloke is walking past a shop door way, when a whore stops him and says "hello sweet'art, fancy the **** of your life?". "Well, actually" he stammers, "i'll have to say no, thank you". "what's the matter with you?" she say's.
"Well. first of all, I'm still a virgin, and secondly, my mother told me, women have a set of teeth between their legs".
"What bollocks. Come on, I'll show ya".
She drags him back to her flat, and chucks him on the bed. The poor bloke is a nervous wreak at this point. "Stay there" she say's, "I'll be back in a mo" and goes into the bathroom. A minute later, she comes out in the nip, straddles the poor bloke, and say's "see, no ****in' teeth down there, is there?"
The chap get's closer and has a good look. "Well" he say's as he comes back up, I'm not surprised the state of those gum's"
"Well. first of all, I'm still a virgin, and secondly, my mother told me, women have a set of teeth between their legs".
"What bollocks. Come on, I'll show ya".
She drags him back to her flat, and chucks him on the bed. The poor bloke is a nervous wreak at this point. "Stay there" she say's, "I'll be back in a mo" and goes into the bathroom. A minute later, she comes out in the nip, straddles the poor bloke, and say's "see, no ****in' teeth down there, is there?"
The chap get's closer and has a good look. "Well" he say's as he comes back up, I'm not surprised the state of those gum's"
jackabina
Sith Lord
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2011
- Messages
- 2,693
A woman's standing at the kitchen sink, peeling the veg for dinner, when in walks her husband with a duck under his arm. "This is the pig I've been shagging for the past 4 years" said the man. "That's not a pig, it's a duck" she replied.
"I was talking to the duck", said the man.
"I was talking to the duck", said the man.
X pack just reminded me..talking about Toyhunter programme last night where some dinosaurs went for $6k :shock:
So..... What do you call a blind dinosaur
A Doyouthinkesawrus :wink: :lol:
So..... What do you call a blind dinosaur
A Doyouthinkesawrus :wink: :lol:
Richard_H
Grand Master
What did triceratops sit on?
Its tricerabottom
Its tricerabottom
Stargeezer
Sith Lord
Ok, i am not english, but i'll give this a try:
A woman is busy in the kitchen cooking the meal, when her husband walks in and starts yelling: "Stir the sauce, stir the sauce now... Faster, faster i tell ya. Watch the potatoes, look out. Oh my god we are gonna need more salt.... Watch out, turn the Meat, quickly you going to ruin it. Don't forget the vegetables... Look at the sauce again, look now..."
Have you lost your mind? His wife replies: what the **** is wrong with you???
To wich the guy replies: now you know how i feel when i am driving.
A woman is busy in the kitchen cooking the meal, when her husband walks in and starts yelling: "Stir the sauce, stir the sauce now... Faster, faster i tell ya. Watch the potatoes, look out. Oh my god we are gonna need more salt.... Watch out, turn the Meat, quickly you going to ruin it. Don't forget the vegetables... Look at the sauce again, look now..."
Have you lost your mind? His wife replies: what the **** is wrong with you???
To wich the guy replies: now you know how i feel when i am driving.
Richard_H
Grand Master
Wife gets up to make her husband breakfast. Nah he says, skip it I just want sex. Goes to work and comes home for lunch. Wife is making a pie. Nah he says, skip it I just want sex. After work Wife is in the kitchen making tea. Nah he says, skip it I just want sex. He goes to the pub with his mates. When he returns his wife is sliding down the bannister. She runs up the stairs and slides down again. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" He says. She replies, "you're late! I'm warming your supper up."
rob71
Sith Lord
Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?
Cos the parrots eat em all
Cos the parrots eat em all
